Detaching and Maintaining Balance
by Maggie Macaulay, MS Ed
Whole Hearted Parenting, www.wholeheartedparenting.com, (954) 483-8021

Carol and her daughter Melissa power struggle every morning.  After many reminders and much
coaxing, Carol feels overwhelmed and angry.  She screams, “I am sick and tired of pushing you to get
ready for school, Melissa!  I must have told you a thousand times!  Forget going to the party tomorrow
young lady!”  Interestingly enough, we request that our children be in control and behave responsibly
when sometimes we ourselves are out of control.  Here are some tips for maintaining balance:

•         Detach from the Power Struggle – No one wins in a power struggle.  Even if a parent
  overpowers a child and the child complies, the relationship suffers and the child is motivated
  externally.  Typically, the child will not be the one to let go in a power struggle.  It is our job as
  the parent to detach so that we can discipline effectively.  Detaching isn’t the only step in
  redirecting a power struggle; however, it is the first.  No other tools will be effective if we are
  caught up in the tug of war.
  

•         Take Care of You – Do nurturing things for yourself.  If we don’t take the time for
  ourselves, we react and over-react rather than acting.  We respond harshly rather than influentially
  when we are running on empty.  
  

•         Create a Plan – Pick one behavior that you want to improve upon and create a plan.  
  Include consequences and involve your child.  Work on it for a month.
  

•         Monitor Your Self-Talk – Self-talk is that internal voice that either encourages or
  discourages us.  Discouraging internal dialogue, i.e., “Why do I have to tell her to brush her teeth
  every single morning?  I can’t take this anymore.” propels us to anger.  Once we are angry, we
  aren’t using the part of our brain where we can hear that dialogue any longer, making it difficult
  for us to talk ourselves down.  Practice encouraging self-talk prior to becoming angry,  i.e, “I am
  calm.  I can handle this.  I am going to do a great job.”
  

•         Recognize When You are Angry – If you feel angry, take the time to cool off.  No one
  makes the best decisions when they are angry.  Postpone discussing behavior if either you or your
  child is angry.   Rather than beating yourself up about feeling angry; simply recognize that this is
  how you feel.  How you handle anger is the model for your children.
  

•         Use Physical Activity to Burn Up the Angry Energy – This is a great tool to teach
  your children.  Run, walk, climb stairs.  Model this for your child.
  

•         Use Deep Breathing to Calm Down – This is another effective tool to reduce anger and
  anxiety for both you and children.  Practice yoga together!
  

•         Smile and Laugh More – Physiological changes occur in our bodies when we smile and
  laugh.  It is difficult to be punitive when we are smiling at our child.
  

•         Don’t Major in the Minors – Are you burning up your energy micro-managing your
  children?  Pick the things of value to discipline; otherwise you will be discouraged, exhausted and
  resentful.
  

•         Take a Parenting Class to Learn Effective Skills – Learn to create closeness and team
  in your family.